Have a Break, Have a Shit Chat.

Look at this.

This is a copy of 'Chat' Magazine I noticed on the shelves of my newsagent this morning.

Now where do you start really? I'm not actually sure I need to say very much, so ghastly is this oh-so-alluring cover spread.

With Chat's promises within of the holy trinity of "Life! Death! Prizes!", I'm sure many of it's catchment audience would already have been half-way to the cash register before they even realised they also had a wonderful upbeat leader about a girl murdered by a paedophile.

Yet the Paedo that lured her to her death was no normal paedo, going about his paedo-business as you might expect. "Good morning, young man!" "Come sit on my lap, sweet girl!" "Would you like a sweetie, m'dear?" 

No, none of the normal paedo-charm for this fucker - this one is a KILLER PAEDO! Christ alive! Lock your doors!

If that worry wasn't bad enough for the Chat reader, it seems that some other poor girl has gone and got knocked up by a rapist. Oh no, I'm sorry, I mean a RAPIST. Not to worry though, as those cute little rapist's babies are such little gigglers! Phew, thanks for lightening that mood, Chat. It's not all about killer paedos & rapists, you know.

Sadly, we can't stay in the cutsie world of giggling babies for long though - as sooner or later, you have to realise that your body may let you down. If it's not your fat arse breaking the toilet as you shit out the constant fecality that Chat has given you to digest, it's your tits rotting away. And if you still don't believe it - there are some "Yucky Photos!" within.

As it says on the cover - it is "Packed full of Puzzles!" The biggest puzzle for me though, is why does anyone actually read this shit?


What sort of person is drawn in by the promise of life, death & prizes exactly? More to the point, what does that actually mean?
Do you like an exclamation mark at the end of every sentence?! Do you?!!!
And who is the random woman with the nice hair-cut & perfect smile? Is that meant to represent you, the reader?
Are you meant to feel an affinity with this attractive, well-rounded & fun-loving go-getter, whilst also feeling superior to the unfortunates of the world stuck with rape-babies, decaying tits and lardy arses?
 
"Thank heavens my womb hasn't split in two like this fucker in Chat! Now where are my prizes?"