Curb your Sausage Enthusiasm

I have come to two conclusions today.

1.) I eat too many sausages.

2.) I am turning into Larry David.

This morning, I had a conversation with a coffee shop attendant that turned into a bit of a slanging match, which only ended after I realised it was like a scene from Curb Your Enthusiasm.

First I'll set the scene.

Most mornings upon arrival at Feral Ashford train station, I step off my train and straight into the over-priced café on the platform, to purchase a small latte and a sausage bap.

Now, I should add that I don't always do this - sometimes I have already purchased a healthy yogurt and berry compote at St Pancras Station, if I'm feeling flush and have time. But often, I find myself arriving at 8.20am in Feral Ashford very hungry, and the only option at that time and place is the Platform Café and a dirty sausage.

Said sausage baps come in a plastic wrapper, which you hand to the server who then SHOULD (notice I emphasise 'should') place the bap in a paper bag, remove the plastic wrapper and put in the microwave for 30 seconds.

After said 30 seconds, the bap is then handed to the customer, piping hot and ready for catsup application and subsequent devouring.

HOWEVER - there is one particular server in the café who for some reason does NOT remove the plastic wrapper before inserting into the paper bag and microwave. Let's call him Roger*. This may seem a trivial matter, but it makes the bread all the more soggy and makes the experience of eating it an altogether less appealing one. These things are important at breakfast time.

Quite why Roger has decided to buck the accepted standard practice of plastic removal, I don't know. Perhaps he is ignorant to the fact that his Sausage-microwaving technique differs to his colleagues, or perhaps he is aware but is simply an ingrate deciding he wants to 'give it to the man' and buck the system.

Either way, it annoys me and if I walk into the café to see him at the till my heart sinks, knowing I'm going to get a sub-standard sausage if he takes my order.

Today, I was joyed to see one of the lovely young ladies, correctly-skilled in the art of plastic removal, at the till. As I approached bap in hand however, up pops Roger from underneath the counter, who asks me if he can help me.

Now, normally I'd be British about it and just allow him to incorrectly heat my breakfast sausage. This time though, I'd been caught off-guard having expected to be served by the girl. So I piped up "Oh no, don't worry - I think she was going to serve me."

He looked perplexed. "No, that's fine Sir, I'll do it. Just the sausage was it?"

"Umm, I'd rather she served me actually, if that's alright..." I timidly replied back, trailing off at the end.

He continued "Sir, I'm quite capable of serving you fine. Amy* is making all the hot drinks, I'm on the till."

I couldn't back down now. "No sorry, I want her to serve me, please".

I thrust the sausage in her general direction. Amy, clearly alarmed, stepped back slightly. The man raised his eyebrows in a concerned manner. Great. Now they thought I wanted to be served by her because I was some perv who wanted to try it on.

There was a moment of silence. Then Roger said "Why do you need her to serve you, exactly?" His tone was clearly one I did not expect to encounter from a representative of the service industry. I wasn't going to pull my punches now.

"I'll tell you why" I began, "Because you don't know how to heat the sausages correctly!"

"What are you on about? It's a bloody microwave! I know how to use a microwave!"

I shook my head. "No you don't. You are meant to take off the plastic wrapper. YOU don't take off the plastic wrapper. Everyone else does. Amy here does, don't you?"

Amy didn't respond. She wasn't going to help me dig my way out of this hole.

Roger was now laughing. "Are you serious? You are causing a scene all because you want me to take the wrapper off the bap?"

"Yes I am!" I almost screamed. "Because it makes the bread go all soggy! You are the only person who works here who doesn't take the wrapper off, so I asked her to serve me, because it's my money, I want a non-soggy bap and she does it right!!!"

There, I'd made my point. He must feel stupid now I thought, having not been taking the plastic wrappers off all this time! What a goon!

His reply though, was "Well, I'm sorry I didn't realise that taking the wrapper off was so important to you. Why didn't you just ask me to take the wrapper off?"

He had a point. "Well...because I thought it'd make me look a bit pathetic."

"Good point Sir. At least you have avoided that today."

And with that, Roger took off the plastic wrapper and popped the paper bag in the microwave. We stood there in silence looking at each other intently for the next 30 seconds. It seemed like 30 minutes. Amy shuffled nervously next to him.

There was a ping from the microwave. Roger handed me my sausage bap. I could have walked out and left it at that, but no. I opened up the bag and showed him how the bread wasn't as soggy as it would have been had he left the wrapper on.

"Very good Sir. I'll pass on your comments to everyone else here."

My parting shot to him was "You don't need to pass it on to anyone else - you are the only one who hasn't already realised you are meant to do it!"

I was already walking out the door when Roger retorted after me "Well I do now, thank you for educating me. Have a good day, sir."

I think we all know who won that argument.

I might give up my morning sausage bap though, for a while. At least from that café.


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent